It is an ugly thing to sink into temptation. It feels defeating and low. It is a hopeless place that is empty of good memories. I have just been there.
Today I gave in to the privileged and materialistic mentality that is dominant
in our society, especially at this time of the year. The cafe side of The LAMP was broken into in the early hours of the morning - nothing was stolen (the security guards were quick to the scene) but the cash register was smashed and a portion of the cafe
was disturbed and a door will need some work done to it.
I gave in. I handled it all terribly. I soaked up the attention from the community, then went comfort shopping. I honked at a car doing 50 in a 100 zone (3 long times). I shut myself in
my room away from my children and watched romance movies while I wrapped Christmas presents for our family.
The latest movie I finished made me feel like I had eated something really bad. They all did. It is such a quick and slippery slope.
I denied that I had a problem when I switched off the laptop and went to sleep.
Sleep did not come.
Instead I lay there reeling under the sickening waves of purposeless and remorse. They are sickening - but so cleansing. Jesus showed up,
and all my memories of Him made me feel the vomitous sense of sorrow that I write under now. I am sorry. I wish I could replay today and shine instead of be a dull common worldly responder to disapointment.
I am so sorry.
Jesus, in His
awesomeness and genius to breathe life into his Word for us, reminded me that all I had to do was look at Him and He would bring me to perfect peace. That is what I longed for there in that moment when my mind was begging for release from images of disowning
Jesus at the cross, as though I could have done that myself, had I been their with Him then. We have all nailed Him there, and it hurts the most when we are acting the most selfish.
God forgive me?
His perfect peace.
He pours a fluid
ease of mind and soul and spirit, until it floods me and I can breathe again. And sleep.
Why do we do these things?? They are actions stinking of future regret, yet we ignore those twinges of warning, and the glimpses of insight and glory, until
the day is done and we try to sleep on it - and can't.
God is good in soooo many ways. His devine plan and so intricate and endless design in us is beyond description. THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR COMING!! THANK YOU FOR CARING!! THANK YOU FOR DYING!!
THANK YOU FOR LIVING!! THANK YOU FOR YOUR CLEVERNESS!!! THANK YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR PROMISES!! THANK YOU FOR PEACE!!!!!! THANK YOU FOR COMING AGAIN, YOU AMAZING GOD OF ALL GODS, AND KING OF ALL KINGS, AND MAKER OF ALL HEAVEN AND EARTH...
Thank you for
blessed sleep. i love you