I have mostly kept this blog free of my family dynamics, but today is special. Today my baby turned 5 and went to school. Falling asleep on my knee as I joined assembly just before the end of the day, I realised just what a new era I am entering into.
For 16.5 years I have had a preschooler or two in tow. Now they will ALL get off the same bus at the end of our drive, and I will wait for them ALL to burst into our home and discuss their days with me. It is pretty special to be a mother. I feel very
proud today. It is bittersweet.
Yesterday something happened which embarrased me deeply. I was caught out doing something I had justified in my own mind to be okay, but I had been tricking myself and bowing to the giant of seeking others
approval over God's alone. The burning and raw feeling that stuck with me all yesterday felt miserable. I hated the feeling with a passion and it has taken alot of wrestling with God to feel on top of things. When I mean wrestle, I mean clinging to Him in
my mind until His truth over my life spoke louder than the shame Satan would have me sit under. God is supreme.
I am soo very deeply grateful for His catching me out on my fault. If He let me get away with it, how would He ever shine? How would I live
with myself looking back, seeing that I had given Him this issue many times, only to take it back again and again. He warned me clearly too - just a few days before.
So thank you Lord of all for burning that out of me (because it hurt like
the dickens!!), and I beg for sharper knowledge and more sensitive grasp of right and wrong. DO NOT EVER LET ME GET AWAY WITH IT.
I thank you - because you hear me when I do.
I praise you - because you are present when I do.
you - because you act on my behalf when I need you. And Oh I need You!
Let this be a truly new era when I will step up as my children have, and walk into a higher class of learning so I may be able to fulfill Your ideal for me during my watch.
Oh God, I need You. You burn and You heal, and I am so much better off for Your care. Your wisdom is the most powerful thing we can seek in this world. Give me more and more, and open my eyes and desires to Your words - those written
and living. Be my all.
Guide my first steps into this new era.