I should be asleep right now, but as usual my mind is filling rapidly with words needing to be written down. More honestly, I am experiencing those rushes of adrenaline which took me off guard so forcefully as I was half way through writing my first
draft of the book. Only four months ago when they first shook my life, I am still tossed about at times by their uncomfortable effects.
From never experiencing anxiety in my life in any real scale, I had no clue what was happening as I huddled on my
knees, face into my pillow on my bed, over and over for weeks with these awful feelings. Worse at night but often there in the day, the only reason I could put them down to was concern for wanting to only write what God wanted written, and nothing of my own.
Never could I define the feelings further and I actually initially thought I had a heart problem.
When the adrenaline began refusing me sleep and the deprivation messed with my coping skills, both Stephen and I knew something was wrong. Recognizing
anxiety, and being a doctor and man of God, he swiftly encouraged me to consider a simple beta-blocker to soak up the adrenaline, and started praying intensely for me.
Knowing I could never take an anti-anxiety pill, for fear of losing my creative thoughts
and my propensity to addiction, the beta-blocker worked beautifully to allow me sleep as I practiced new coping strategies. I had been off them for a few weeks now, but in the last few days it has been beginning (to a lesser degree) again.
Only I know
what to do know. And where it is coming from.
When I wrote the last half of the story, I was heavy under my struggle. As I attempt now to rewrite it as it should be, the same is happening. Never have I felt so attacked.
This is my chance to shine
Jesus power. Now is the time to declare His words of healing. I will not be a slave to anything in this world unless it is a gift directly of God for my growth and His benefit. I may still fear my future in the natural, but in the real world… (God's) I
am fearless, and know He will not let me fall so long as my eyes are fixed firmly on Him and His big story.
I know He is capable of attracting my gaze for the rest of my life, and when I glance away, I will look back again, and His unlimited power will
pull me up and out of any bonds this world might try to tie me with. In resolute strength I will lean into Him each time and end up the stronger.
Oh help me God.
Recent ongoing sickness within our family has wreaked havoc with my healthy sense
of purpose and being. Soon we will all be well with the early arrival of spring. It has been a delightful winter, but one where bugs do persist.
No amount of difficulty will prevent me from completing a 'great read' for Him. I will take all the advice
I am being given, and will forge on in pleasant anticipation. God IS big enough to hold back the overpowering fears being thrown at me, and I chose to consider it all as a gifted lesson to help me hopefully help others one day.
If anyone is inclined
to… PRAY. It may be your calling and purpose, and hugely important for the life of someone else.
I think I can sleep now. ; )