I know why God has not answered regarding the dream of the Pilgrim's Progress. I thank him often for his sense over mine. He knew I was needed for this battle against anorexia with my daughter.
It has been like having your worst enemy living
in your own home, watching them break down the love and structures we have built as a family.
So Lovese woke the next day as distraught as ever. In the journal she had written out of one of those 'moments of bliss', which make you feel as if the
world is yours and no one is going to stop you. She wrote in laughter and derision of the times and many ways she hid food when we thought she was eating it. She detailed minutely her plans to reach a BMI of 14. She was currently 16, and had lost 3 kg's over
the time we spent with my parents. She talked about a website she sneaked onto called My Proana which was her strength.
She belittled our attempts to 'trick' her into believing lies about food and her future.
It was the voice of anorexia
Well...you can imagine we were heartbroken but I have to say that even in first reading those words in the middle of the night, I felt Jesus presence close in and his peace surround me. I knew he was feeding me wisdom not my own when the morning
Lovese continued to be in mental pain - more stunned and like an empty used pillowcase - she had a deep resignation about her, yet with one ounce of hope swirled so throughly inside we almost missed seeing it. Then it dawned: Lovese secretly
wanted someone to find her writing!
Our tactical team gathered. Further proceedings were discussed and the number one rule became: 24hour serious monitoring. No chance for any tricks for a full 4 weeks, then we would recalculate.
Doctor visits were amped up with blindfolded weekly weighing and bloods repeated. I did not want Liv to have numbers in her head. Her bloods came back not so good - with cellular changes again that would soon be permanant damage in the bone marrow.
Those first three days I would never like to repeat or hear of again. Loads of physically holding her as she struggled and yet pleaded internally for us to stay strong in the same breath. It reminded me of the scene in C.S. Lewis The Silver Chair where
he begged to be set free but in his sane moment he had told them never to listen to his words when he was under the spell.
It was confusing, agonising, exhausting, but filled with purpose and Godly influence. I felt like giving up at least once every
day, and so overwhelmingly so each weekend, that I am not sure how it has come to this. I wanted her in hospital, I wanted her in specialist care. I wanted to keep screaming. But deep down I knew the experts say family therapy is the best chance.
The past 3 weeks have been all of the above but the waves would be a little lower and further apart. Lovese began to recognise her triggers and that the waves did nothing but come and go. She could ride them or jump over them now that she knew the outcome
on the other side would always be the same steady resolve to protect her.
My darling mother txt us a special word each day to be grateful for and as we talked throughout the days of these words, Lovese began to participate more. Our family worship times
in the mornings took on deep meaning as we devoured the Word of God and let it reshape our minds and took it up as weapons against the enemy.
Our two youngest children who have also been homeschooled all year were beginning to struggle with what was
going on as they had limited knowledge about Liv's "sore stomach". I agonized over whether to send them back to school. They will go back after these school holidays. I need to fight this battle with Lovese so strongly so the whole thing is uprooted! I feel
that God has encouraged this and that others will be blessed by this too.
BUT WHY DO I THINK SHE HAS BEEN HEALED??
This is soo coooooooool!!!!!
Our youngest 5 (Lovese included) were to go
to our local Christian camp for the week. The two older girls as leaders. Lovese was packed and ready to go. We lasted 2 hours at camp as she fought anxiety over the new situation, even knowing I was to be there throughout the day and for each meal.
was not ready.
She pulled herself together enough to line up for lunch...saw hot chips and sausages on everyone's plates and fled the room in fear. Together we cried and drove home where I am sooo sooo ashamed to say, I became angry and briefly said
things I should not have said. I had been dreaming of my night times with just me and my hubby. A time to recharge. Now I had her alone with no one else and no one to tag team with.
But God's thoughts are so far from our own. He knew this
is what she needed. One on one mother and daughter time.
The next day was my husband's birthday. After he came home from work, she lost it again but gathered herself and tried to relax and enjoy the evening. My husband had put old music on and we hung
out on the rumpus room beds and lay still. Soon Lovese left the room which means I had to follow her. She was getting angry and she yelled at me that she justs needed to feel the cold. This is highly unusual for her as she is always freezing due to lack of
I followed her to the outside door as she walked out in socks into 4degree celcius night air with puddles under her feet. I wanted to panic as she had NEVER done this before. She kept walking but was slowing so I stayed at the door ready
to pounce if needed. She stopped about 8 metres from me way out in the dark and looked up and cried. Her shoulders shook. Then she just looked and looked up into the stars - for 5 full minutes. I wanted to go to her but God stopped me.
The next thing
I saw and heard was her heave out a cry to God, something short and personal like "Help me God!"
I ached for her. She stood so still there staring up into space searching for a world to see that had no pain and only God. Within one minute of complete
wondering and stillness before her Maker, she turned and walked back into the house right past me.
At the same time, my husband not knowing any of this had happened, was nudged by the Holy Spirit to walk out of the rumpus room and swept
Lovese up into his arms and danced her around the room. I sat down to watch and blink and wonder. Liv's face just glowed. She shone with delight at the closeness of her father's arms wrapped tightly around her. The music kept playing and as I watched I saw
more than physical changes in my girl.
She portrayed an overflowing peace and utter trust and satisfaction, an unchecked joy and even surprise, and most of all - a full and fearless love at us all and I know too, her Father God - who had also
swept her off her feet in life dance.
So we went to bed and smiled inwardly.
The next morning Lovese said she wanted to eat the full 1800 calories that an average 12yr girl should have. She decided to divide up her meals with 600
per meal. Then she proceeded to do this and ate confidently and without any residue of doubt. Today is her 3rd day of doing this. She is devouring (more importantly) the Bible and a book written by Sadie Robertson called Live Fearless. She has spent possibly
3 hours each day at different times reading the book and writing out the scriptures within in her own school book. Then she adds every point that she finds wonderful. Then she might add her own thoughts also.
I often see her pouring gently over
her previous writings and scriptures and then starting another page with more of the same. She flops on our bed at our feet with books in hand. Or she will lie before the fireplace she keeps stoked while I busy about the kitchen. You cannot begin to imagine
my soul and spirit souring in pleasure and gratitude at our awesome God who bends but never breaks us, drills but also thrills us, calls and never turns his back when we cry out to him. He is so good.
The good good Father.
she tells me she has never felt so close to God than over these past 3 days. Her siblings are home and everyone can feel the difference.
I pray she will continue to write her story down and share it someday. She has so much to say.
precious precious girl!